


Street vendors CAN sell used panties without a permit

by jadedgalaxies (Emeraldxoxo)



Category: Gintama
Genre: Bad Flirting, Bad Humor, Canon-Typical Violence, Chaos, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, M/M, Memes, Not Canon Compliant, as in the Shinsengumi has been reformed with zero explanation, other characters appear briefly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 22:36:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20317138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emeraldxoxo/pseuds/jadedgalaxies
Summary: In which the Yorozuya open an illegal street vendor to sell merch that no sane person would ever want and the Shinsengumi are forced to intervene.





	Street vendors CAN sell used panties without a permit

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at writing a crack-y, mostly canon compliant to the style of the series fic, as well as my first Gintama fic. I've been trying to expand my repertoire of fandoms and characters I can write. So thank you for picking up this silly little fic of mine, I can't wait to revisit the Gintama-fandom again in the future!

When Sougo gets the call for public indecency violations and an illegal street vendor, he really should have known it had to do with the Yorozuya. They were almost always at the apex of the weird calls that they get. If it wasn’t public indecency it was a drunken street fight that led to multiple casualties and destruction of property.

Still, Sougo isn’t sure _what_ to expect when he and Hijikata pull up in front of Snack Otose/Yorozuya Gin-chan. The _booth_, if he can even call it that, is a few loose boards held together with duct tape and determination. A crudely drawn sign of Sadaharu in crayon decorates the front of the booth. The sign above is crooked and moves with the wind – Sougo wonders if a particularly rough gust of wind would blow it away – and it reads:

** _YOROZUYA GIN-CHAN MERCH_ **

Sougo can already feel a headache coming on. Hijikata gets distracted by a phone call and while Sougo would love to kick him through the window (which admittedly has nothing to do with the task at hand), he decides against it, for some reason or another. He gets out of the car.

He approaches the booth with an appropriate amount of trepidation. Kagura is the only one manning the merchandise, albeit with a pathetic excuse for a disguise: swirly glasses and several separate handlebar mustaches glued around her mouth to form a beard. Sougo wishes he’d taken an aspirin.

“Welcome Sadi–customer!” she says cheerfully. “What can I get for you?” Her hand sweeps overtop an assortment of “goods” with a flourish.

_Gin-chan’s recycled tissues! – 450 yen _(in a sealed Ziploc)

_Patsuan’s childhood glasses! – 21 yen_ (mind you, these “glasses” were horrific latex masks of Shinpachi’s face)

_Otae’s used panties! – 6700 yen _–

“What the hell is this?” Sougo demands, looking over the assortment of horrific and weirdly priced merchandise. The more he looked the worse it got.

“What are you, stupid? It’s merch, aru!” Kagura exclaims.

He’s about to say no one in their right mind would buy any of this crap when a violet haired woman scoops up the entire lot of tissues and leaves a pile of cash in its place before disappearing. Kagura waves, thanking her for her patronage and quickly pockets the cash. Sougo watches the exchange with disgust.

Before he can say anything, or arrest her for that matter, Kagura thrusts a small, plush object in his hands. It’s this ugly, handstitched doll that if Sougo _squinted_, he supposed, it would look like an approximation of Kagura’s unpleasant face. If she had been run over by a truck. And stomped on by an elephant. Fourteen times.

And _somehow_, Kagura has the audacity to look proud of it. There is an entire bin of these monstrosities and all of them look different. Still hideous, but in different ways. Multiple deformities, falling apart at the seams and poorly stuffed – the only thing more horrifying than what the “Gura-san dolls” look like, is the price tag.

“You’re not stupid enough to think anyone would buy these things for 160000 yen, are you, China girl?”

Kagura looks up at him smugly. He narrows his eyes. There’s a shiny, rectangular piece of plastic between her fingers. Hey –

“You just did, Sadist,” she says, flashing the front of his swiped credit card in his face.

Sougo’s hand is on his sword hilt before he even realizes it. In a motion he can’t really pass off as an accident, he swings his sword. Kagura doesn’t flinch as he slices the card in half. “I’d like a refund you little bi–” Sougo stops himself with a nasty smirk. He doesn’t need to finish for her to know what he meant. “Send them back to whatever amanto sweatshop you got these things from.”

“Do you want to die?!” Kagura snarls before she pouts. “You’re no fun! I saw you eyeing these babies, aru! I know you want one.”

Tossing the doll back into the bin with look of revulsion, Sougo says, “I would rather die, thanks.”

Kagura looks like she has something to say about that so Sougo continues without skipping a beat: “Do you have a permit to sell merchandise on a public street?” He watches blithely as Kagura, who is still wearing that ridiculous disguise, picks up the entire booth (which _miraculously_ stays intact) and moves it back five-feet.

She grins. “There, now it’s on _private_ property, aru.”

Sougo sighs through his nose. _She’s so irritating. _How he _wishes_ he could have just stayed in bed this morning and not have to deal with this.

“You still need a permit for that,” he says, “so do you have a permit?”

“Yes, aru!” Kagura says and rummages around underneath the booth. Sougo’s eyebrows skyrocket. She can’t possibly –

Kagura pulls out a rumpled piece of paper and turns it around to show him the permit:

_I can do what I want_

_-Kagura_

_I’m going to kill her_. There is a strong, _strong _part of Sougo that wants to beat the smug look off her face with his bare hands. Annoyingly, despite the irritation creeping up his spine, he can feel a smile worming its way onto his face. Loathe of him to admit being around China girl could ever be fun.

Sougo pulls a pair of handcuffs from his jacket and slaps them around Kagura’s thin wrists. “You’re under arrest for public indecency violations and for selling merchandise without a permit.”

Immediately, Kagura begins to whine. “Gin-chan! The Sadist is arresting me!”

Gintoki appears out of thin air next to Sougo, wrapping an arm around his shoulders to pull him in close. “Now, now, what seems to be the problem, Officer-kun?”

Sougo hears himself sigh. “You’re selling illicit goods without a permit. That warrants an arrest.”

“We have a permit,” Gintoki says, handing him a piece of paper that looks suspiciously like the one Kagura had shown him moments earlier. Scratch that – it’s the _exact _same piece of paper Kagura had shown him except her name was scribbled out and Gintoki’s name was quickly written below. Sougo crumples the paper and throws it out.

“Seriously?” Sougo says, gesturing to the illegal goods on the table. “You can’t possibly think this was okay to sell, permit or otherwise.”

With a laugh, Gintoki swats the Shinpachi masks from the table. “There, problem solved.”

Sougo stares at him. “Danna, you left the worst one.”

Before Gintoki can spew something clever and or absurd (or perhaps both, knowing Gintoki), a man with a build suspiciously similar to Kondo creeps up beside him. There is a towel tied around his face and sweat pours down his hairline.

When he pulls out a fat wad of cash and gestures to “Otae’s used panties,” Sougo is torn between arresting the Yorozuya and his own boss. The exchange of goods is over before Sougo can decide which is the worst offense and Kondo skitters away with the entire basket of panties.

“Thank you for your patronage!” Gintoki yells after him, tucking the cash into his yukata. He turns his attention back to Sougo. “Is that all, Souichirou-kun?” Gintoki sticks a 50 yen coin in Sougo’s front pocket.

“It’s Sougo, Danna. Ah, whatever.” Sougo shakes Gintoki off. “I don’t care anymore, sell your nasty paraphernalia.” He takes a Gura-san doll, just out of spite, and starts to walk back to his police cruiser.

“Hey! Sadist!” Kagura shrieks, jingling the handcuffs. “You forgot something, aru!” Sougo ignores her. “GET BACK HERE, ARU!”

“Sougo,” Hijikata says the moment he gets out of the cruiser and sees Sougo without anyone arrested and with Kagura shrieking behind him.

“It’s not worth it, Hijikata-san,” Sougo says blankly, “Kondo-san already bought the panties.”

“_What_.”

Sougo waves apathetically and he is just about to clamber back into the car, with or without Hijikata, when Shinpachi comes barrelling down the street with a wicker basket above his head.

“Gin-san!” he shouts before tripping. The basket flies out of his hands and hundreds of panties spill out.

“The merchandise!” Gintoki yells, using rubber gloves to stuff the dirty panties back into the basket while he kneels on Shinpachi.

_Gross_. Even for a sis-con like Shinpachi, stealing and selling his sister’s used panties _willingly_ went too far. Sougo sighs loudly. Hijikata is already storming over and Sougo follows almost on autopilot.

Hijikata yanks Gintoki up by his elbow, albeit with a _lot_ of shrieking on Gintoki’s part, and whacks the panties from his hands. Shinpachi is coughing violently as he pushes himself up; he still tries to scoop some of the panties into the basket.

“You’ve gone too far, Danna,” Sougo whines, stepping over the mountain of fallen panties. “I was going to let you go but you just _had _to get Hijikata-san involved.”

But his complaints fall on deaf ears. Hijikata and Gintoki are arguing like their lives depend on it, two inches apart and spewing insults and curse words not appropriate for daytime television. Oh, but they have the nighttime spot now, don’t they?

The wind is knocked out of Sougo when Kagura launches herself against him, throwing them to the ground.

“Ow what the hell you bitch?!”

“Un-arrest me right now, aru!” Kagura cries, slamming her fists against his spine like a fucking wild animal. Sougo attempts to reach around and slap her off him but her thighs around his waist pin him in place like a vice while she gives him the smackdown of the century.

The screaming and squabbling in the middle of the street is increasing in volume, violence and chaos. Hijikata and Gintoki have seized each other by the lapels of their jackets as their hands inch towards their swords. Sougo himself is still viciously squirming underneath Kagura while he spews obscenities unbefitting of an officer. Shinpachi has taken to manning the booth but he struggles to stop the violet-haired woman from pilfering anything Gintoki related.

Just after Sougo is successful in throwing Kagura off him so he can return the favour, a long-haired woman comes screaming down the street and leaps at the woven basket of underwear. “Thieves!” a suspiciously familiar costumed duck follows (wearing lipstick and with hair similar to the woman) but Sougo’s attention is pulled back to Kagura as she tries to strangle him with the handcuffs.

“Zurako-san!” Shinpachi yells in the background. Sougo’s breath is short; the chains dig into his neck.

“It’s not Zurako! It’s Katsura!”

Sougo’s vision swarms. _Is she actually going to kill him? Since when was he this _weak?

Sougo jabs Kagura in the side which only enrages her more. She hooks her legs around his waist and suddenly Sougo is incredibly aware of Kagura’s breasts pressing into his back. So, he does the only thing he can think of to get rid of such horrific thoughts: shake her off and fling her at the booth.

As Sougo catches his breath, one thing becomes clear: he was going to kill Kagura. He unsheathes his sword. The booth is in shambles; Shinpachi is fending ‘Zurako’ off with his sword as a slew of the gross Yorozuya merchandise flitters down on them. Kagura sits up, glasses and mustache gone, with a pair of what Sougo can only _assume_ are Zurako’s used panties on her head.

“Come at me, China!” Sougo snarls.

Kagura flies out of the wreckage with rage blistering in her eyes. Sougo swings his sword down at her head, momentarily blinded by a lack of oxygen and fury. Some logical part of his brain rationalizes that he should just throw her ass in the back of the cruiser and have her deported, but that part dies the moment he accidentally slices through the handcuffs.

Her smirk reminds him of Gintoki, which pisses him off more. Sougo leaps in first to hit her with the back of his sword. Kagura grabs it, cutting her palms on the blade, and uses it to heave Sougo over her head. He crashes into Zurako and Shinpachi.

And while they cushion his fall, he’s now covered in a terrorist’s used panties. There is so much about that sentence that he hates. Expecting Kagura’s war-cry, Sougo hops up to hopefully fend off her next attack when he realizes she’s gone silent. He follows her wide-eyed gaze.

_Oh_.

When just moments ago Hijikata and Gintoki had been spewing vicious insults at each other, they were now making out like they would die otherwise. At first, one might have mistaken the make-out session for a wrestling match (as Sougo himself initially had) but it was impossible to miss Gintoki parting his lips for Hijikata to slip his tongue into his mouth. Hijikata’s hands have disappeared under Gintoki’s shirt.

Sougo pales. “Hijikata-san, I didn’t realize you and Danna were in that kind of a relationship.” But his words fall on deaf ears as it gets more aggressive and sexual.

Kagura is at his side a moment later, yanking his arm so hard Sougo briefly wonders if she’ll dislocate his shoulder. “Sadist, arrest them, aru.”

He looks at her for a moment, as if it's the first time he’s really seeing her. He grins, old feud forgotten, and says, “I was just about to.”

Sougo strides over to them, wrenches Hijikata off Gintoki. In swift, practiced motion, Sougo puts the two in handcuffs before they can blink. He’s briefly reminded of that time when he handcuffed the two _together_ and wonders if he had any involvement in this development. The moment ends when Hijikata and Gintoki face him with equal amounts of rage and betrayal on their faces.

“Sougo what the hell?”

“Souichirou-kun!”

“You’re _both_ under arrest for public indecency violations.”

“Arrest Kagura, she was selling used panties! It was all her! I’m innocent!”

“Gin-chan! DIE!”

“I need a drink.”

* * *

After arresting Hijikata and Gintoki, following their subsequent release and burning the Zurako-panties Kondo bought, Hijikata reprimands him. So of course, Sougo sneaks away from Hijikata’s lecture. (How many times will he have to be lectured on “violating Shinsengumi code” and listening to “will you stop arresting your superior officer?” before Hijikata learns he won’t listen to any of it. Ugh.)

He drops down from the wall around the Shinsengumi compound and immediately bumps into Kagura.

She looks frazzled. Wide ocean blue eyes and wild vermillion hair. _She looks beautiful_-

“What’s up, China?” Sougo says, as nonchalantly as he can over the hammering of his heart. He hates these weird feelings that have taken root in his chest. Hates that he can’t just look at her like a rival he wants to crush anymore. Don't get him wrong, those feelings are still there. But sometimes when he looks at her, crushing a man’s skull between her bare hands, he thinks he might like to kiss her.

Kagura holds out her wrists. There are bandages wrapped around her palms. “You forgot these, aru.” The broken handcuffs have been chewed on (by her or Sadaharu, Sougo isn’t sure) but they remain firmly around her wrists.

Sougo can’t stop his laughter. He tries to mask it with his hand, but it slips out anyways. Kagura’s face contorts in a pout. Thankfully, she doesn’t try to attack him.

“Maybe that was on purpose,” Sougo says between laughs. “Did you ever think about that?”

“Don’t be gross, aru.”

“I did forget,” Sougo concedes once his laughter has subsided.

Kagura shoves her wrists in his face. “So, remove them then, aru!”

“No.”

She blinks. “Remove them, aru.”

_Did she ask again because she thinks I didn’t understand her?_ “No.”

“Remove them you damn Sadist!”

Sougo grins devilishly. He catches one of her wayward wrists before her fist would have connected with his jaw. “I’m going for a drink. Come with me and I’ll think about removing them.”

“I’m not old enough to drink, aru,” she says, even though she is. “I can’t trust that you won’t arrest me again.”

“Oden then,” he says back evenly without acknowledging her last (and likely true) statement.

Kagura considers it. A smile is forming on her face and it looks like she’s trying to rein it in. “Only if you pay, aru.”

Sougo snorts. “Obviously. Your idea of paying for a meal is dumpster diving.”

The grin she had tried to hide sneaks out. It’s bright and a little crazed, reminding Sougo so much of their encounter on the bridge years ago.

“Fine. But just know I expect several portions, aru.”

“I expect nothing less, pig.”

“Don’t make me regret this, Sadist! You still owe me for the Gura-san doll you stole, aru.”

“Oh that? I turned it into a voodoo doll.”

“Wha–”

If Sougo trips her into the middle of the street, directly into oncoming traffic, he plays the fool with an innocent whistle. (Though, the malicious grin on his face says otherwise.) And when Kagura, with blood on her face and fury in her eyes, leaps at him again, he quickly wraps an arm around her waist and leads her to the nearest oden stand. He doesn’t think too much about how nice her body felt against his or how she smelt like flowers and pennies.

Either way, Sougo treats her to a meal and, after an appropriate amount of teasing/borderline sadism, removes her handcuffs after. If his hand brushed along the small of her back or if her hip bumped his, they played none the wiser. Things were changing, albeit at a snail’s pace, but this is fine –

Although, Kagura initiated a fight the moment after he walked her home. _I’m never going to try to be a gentleman ever again_, Sougo thinks as he fends off her rapid attacks with a smile on his face.

Yeah, this is fine.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chaotic mess. (Somehow I think my characterization of Sougo's sadism is lacking LOL) It was an absolute delight to write and I look forward to the next time I get hit with inspiration to write for this series. I doubt it'll be anything serious though lol 
> 
> (I was originally going to make the used panties both Katsura's _and_ Hasegawa's but, well, I couldn't fit it in organically LMAO) 
> 
> talk to me on [tumblr](http://emeraldgalaxies.tumblr.com/)


End file.
